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The Maytag Repair Manual
(A few weeks ago, I reported the governor's jet flew roundtrip from Dallas to Vegas to pick up a state employee. Then the guv mistakenly told the press I accused him of a Vegas junket and he was going for my head. After the guv 'outed' himself, I asked why the jet made the $7,300 trip when the guv could have caught one of 97 commercial flights to Dallas for a savings of at least $6,500. Then the guv's CEO (Jim Clark) called me, in extremely unflattering terms, a Maytag senator, who, like the Maytag repairman, doesn't have much to do.
Jim's a lawyer. I guess that's where he learned that if you can't argue facts, impugn the witness. Anyway, I always liked the Maytag man, one of advertising's icons. So, today, in an attempt to inject some humor, I offer Jim my Maytag washer/dryer user's manual.) |
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Maytag Washer User Information
| 1.1 |
How to deal with dirty laundry--Before loading your Maytag, separate darks from lights. Your machine
may work forever but operator error is common. Politically speaking, separate fact from fiction. In other
words, don't say someone accused the guv of a junket if it isn't true. |
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1.2 |
Fabric softener--Maytag always recommends fabric softener and commercial softeners won't hurt our machines but do make clothes more supple. Politically speaking, softener always tones down political speech. In other words, when the governor repeats a fiction it's always better not to end with "I'm aiming for [Kim Elton's] head the first chance I get." |
| 1.3 |
Bleach not recommended--Maytag recommends bleach be avoided. Regular detergent handles all but the most difficult stains. Politically speaking, the avoidance of harsh reagents/rhetoric is always preferable. Use only when there is a deep, ugly stain on the emperor's clothes or when you inappropriately use an expensive state asset. |
| 1.4 |
Agitator arm--This is the finned, stalagmite protrusion in the middle of the Maytag washing tub. DO NOT REMOVE! This arm is essential for cleaning. Politically speaking, this gets to the issue of "questioning authority." Making government efficient means you need to stir things up. If there isn't an agitator you may keep making inappropriate jet-use decisions. |
| 1.5 |
Hot water wash--Your Maytag has a hot/cold water wash switch. Generally cold water should be the default selection because cold water: 1) is gentler on clothes; 2) reduces shrinkage; and 3) is less expensive. Politically speaking, avoid finding yourself in hot water at all costs. Sometimes that means flying commercial. |
| 1.6 |
The wash cycle--Your Maytag has four washing cycles: 1) soak; 2) wash; 3) rinse; and 4) spin (see user's manual instruction 1.7 for further discussion of this cycle). DO NOT SKIP ANY CYCLE! Clean laundry requires each step. Politically speaking, public policy discussions require a public soaking, a good washing with active agitation, and a clean water rinse. Do not rely on the rinse cycle to make the jet grime all come out in the wash. |
| 1.7 |
The spin cycle--This is the last Maytag washer cycle and it rids the laundry of most of the rinse water. While not necessary, this cycle shortens the drying period. Politically speaking, public relations spinning should be avoided when dealing with public policy issues since it wrings much of the truthiness from an issue. This leads to unfortunate and destructive debate. For example, it can mean you attack the person who raises legitimate jet questions rather than answering the questions. |
Maytag Dryer User Information
| 2.1 |
The lint filter--Always clean the lint from the filter located just inside the door of your Maytag dryer before starting the machine. Politically speaking, don't start the hot air until you clean out the fuzz. For example, don't start a jet debate until you check your filter. |
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| 2.2 |
Anti-static dryer sheets--Highly recommended with Maytag machines. They reduce static cling and make clothes more comfortable to wear.Politically speaking, sometimes hot air and tumbling cause issues to stick to you in unfortunate ways. For example, outing yourself on a very expensive jet trip is a highly
electrified thing to do and the cling is embarrassing. |
| 2.3 |
Cool down cycle--Always recommended. The Maytag dryer provides for a 10-minute cool down cycle.
Politically speaking, a cool down period of at least 10 minutes is always required. For example, a cooling off
period in the governor's office on the latest jet embarrassment would have eliminated a lot of negative
press. |
*Final Maytag user note: if things go awry with your Maytag, please remember that the Maytag repairman provides 100 percent guaranteed service. He's always ready to serve. (Sen. Maytag, by the way, also guarantees 100 percent service and always tries to be there when you need him.)
Phone: (907) 465-4947
Fax: (907) 465-2108
Mail: Sen. Elton, State Capitol
Juneau, AK 99801
 Got a scoop? Call or email your tips and suggestions to any of the email addresses below: |
Capitol Undercurrents
The jet, an update--The state jet flew 24 legs between December 12 and January 12. Eight of the trips were
 prisoner flights with 90 prisoners transported. Most often there were four state employees on the prisoner flights (presumably guards but unidentified as such) but a few of the prisoner transport flights had just two state employees. The rest of the flights were instate, including: an Anchorage to Juneau flight with two state employees and one "other"; a Juneau to Anchorage flight with four state employees and one "other"; and then Anchorage to Juneau, Juneau to Anchorage, Anchorage to Kenai, and Kenai to Anchorage with only crew on board. Most of the flights in this last month's log indicated there were three crew members, though some of the instate flights had just two crewmembers. This latest data indicates fuel costs on a per hour basis dropped significantly--from $1,002.36 to $878.08.
Imagine that --The Tennessean reports about a loophole in the law that allows Tennessee legislators to accept  campaign contributions during special sessions just not during regular sessions. So, less than a day into a special session, lobbyists began offering contributions to legislators. Oh, by the way, the special session was called to deal with ethics.
Welcome announcement--Under special orders Wednesday, that time on the floor calendar when members in either the House or Senate get a chance to rise and speak out on anything, three senators got up to talk. The first two discussed the weighty and important issues of oil pipeline security. Then, the Senate Rules chair, John Cowdery, rose to his feet to address an issue that also has everyone concerned--the fact that the capitol's only two elevators haven't been working for days. Sen. Cowdery announced that the senate elevator motor has been fixed and was available for use but he wasn't sure when the house elevator would begin running. Of course, the elevators are open access.
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